By Kyle Stafford

"I couldn't give two shits." I remember my high school basketball coach telling me that after I rolled my ankle in practice one afternoon. He was a sweet man with an even sweeter mustache. But it got me thinking, what would he give two shits for? And what does giving a set amount of shits even mean? Would he trade 4 fecal logs for some mustache wax or maybe even barter 7 fresh dingle berries for tighter dolphin shorts? It always looked like he was smuggling a Dodger Dog in neon saran wrap...

Anyway, that poetic phrase "I couldn't give 2 shits" has spawned my new Movie Review article called "The Shits",  where I tell you how many "S" words I would give to see something. It will be based on a 10 Shit system:  if I hate it, I could give 1 shit, if I like it I might give 8.

For the inaugural article I figured I would not review any particular movie but rather let you know where I sit or stand on a few big current movie issues, so you can decide if we are aligned at all.

- Avatar was painful. It may have made a ton of money and looked amazing, but I had trouble staying awake the second half of the movie. It is the Waterworld of this generation.

- George Clooney nominated for Up in the Air is ridiculous. I have nothing against old George, but if he got nominated for that role, he may as well get a few Emmy Awards for his time on Facts of Life.

- Tom Hardy will be a huge star. I know, I've seen him naked. You probably don't know who he is, but you will. For anyone who saw Bronson, a rather odd and creepy movie, I have not seen an acting performance like that since Tom Cruise told Oprah he was straight. This goes back to my Clooney point, he got nominated for playing a smarmy old workaholic. That would be like me getting nominated for playing a super-yolked karate master with high cheek bones.... both roles are just who we are, no acting involved. But Tom Hardy packed on like 40 pounds of muscle and played an oft naked psychopath who has been in solitary confinement for thirty plus years. THAT is acting. Making out with that hot girl in Up in the Air is not.

-  Zac Gallafinakus should have been Oscar nominated for The Hangover.  His role was a pretty amazing and difficult role to pull off. He was flawless. I love how comedy is by far the hardest thing to do (by the sheer fact that only 1 funny movie comes out every 3 years) but it never gets any respect for its difficulty. Todd Phillips should be the highest paid dude in Hollywood. Making dramas is easy... have someone die, and boom, drama just happened.

- Pixar is just printing money. I guess kicking out almost perfect movies EVERY TIME will have that effect. I've heard they spend like 2 years developing and writing every script. Hmmmmmm, imagine that.  Writing a really good movie leads to... A REALLY GOOD MOVIE! I wish someone would tell that to Adam Sandler.

- I have a soft spot in my heart for Owen Wilson. I am a huge Bottle Rocket fan and have been following him forever. I remember hearing he was going to be in Cable Guy and being all excited for him as if I knew the guy somehow, but Owen W............. MARMADUKE? Did you not just make a dog movie like 9 months ago? I am all for cashing in and taking advantage of your time, but you couldn't pick a different animal at least? How about a surfing chimpanzee or what about a sky diving beaver?  You could call the movie Going Down?.

- Speaking of going down, what the hell happened to Vin Deisel? Is he still alive? And if so, keep NOT making movies, we are all better off.

- A few of my favorite movies of all time are Boogie Nights, Adaptation, Fight Club, Vacation and Head Kicks for McGee. The last one doesn't exist, but who wouldn't see a movie with that title?

I am on the fence about this article, I've decided I could give 5 Shits about it.

See ya real soon!