By
Kenny Klein
Sean Berry

The leaves are changing colors and the electricity is in the air as fierce warriors do battle on the fifty yard line, hot dogs grill in the parking lot, you drink on a Sunday without getting dirty looks, and you bathe in the dream-like glow of the computer screen as you calculate your weekly fantasy points. Yes, it’s football season. Over the last few years the biggest part of the football season has been “fantasy football”. For those of you that have the fortune of not knowing what fantasy football here’s the scoop:

Fan ' ta ' sy  Foot ' ball /’fantesé ‘foøt bøl/

• noun
• A game played by sport-obsessed losers where a team of guys that would never play together and never will play together go head to head against an equally made-up team.
• A cheap alternative to masturbation.

Origin
American English – 1960s

First Known Use: Bob Winkenbach’s Mom’s Basement

The competition began in 1962 when football enthusiasts collaberated on a way to never get laid again. Their brain child was fantasy football. They decided to settle petty hypotheical debates and “what ifs” of football (e.g. Could Jonny Unitas smash Mike Ditkas trachea?) by using a series of esoteric math equations that no one bothered to do until calculators became available. The newly found popularity of fantasty football can be attributed to the birth of the internet. With great setups by the NFL, ESPN, and countless others that we don’t care to Google, fantasy football has become as easy as a few clicks. Now all it takes is two hours in front of the keyboard with a #4 from KFC and two liters and you can win bragging rights in your office for up to four weeks after the Super Bowl. The real reason to join a fantasy team is to really enjoy every aspect of the actual season. Did the Colts cover the spread against the Bangels? Did Oakland beat New York? Who gives a damn, because some no-name shit-heel just scored me 37 bonus points so I beat Carla from accounting’s fake team.

With a bustling online community, one can feel like the most popular kid in school again with just a few hours a night on various message boards. These community-driven online forums allow crazed football fanatics from across the country to feel better about not going anywhere with their highschool hopes of being the next Heisman trophy winner.  Maybe instead of spending every spare moment you have on a jock’s version of Dungeons and Dragons, you could start jogging and eventually play a real game. Or you could start your own fantasy sport. Anyone up for joining my Fantasy Bass Fishing League?

For more hillarious stuff from Kenny Klein check out www.kennykleincomedy.com

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